During a recent NPR interview, a teacher explained how she could not publicly admit when her students were doing well, for fear the resources she needed would be taken away. Her comments got me thinking about how afraid we all are to say when we’re okay, that we have what we need, or—even more extreme—admit
we’re actually happy, for fear we will lose it.
There are lots of seemingly logical reasons for this:
-Like the teacher, admitting your needs are fulfilled may lead to resources being reappropriated for those “more in need,” be they coworkers, other states, nations or even family members.
-Admitting wellness or success can come off as bragging, or rubbing salt in the wound of others losses. We
wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, right?
-Crisis begets concern and care from others. When you, your company, your pet or your planet is in trouble, you receive more outreach from others, sometimes in forms of tangibles, like goods or services, other times just in emails or more “How can I help?” phone calls. We all want to feel a little extra love and care.
-Announcing success/happiness/wholeness/wellness tempts fate, and risks bringing an end to whatever is so good. We throw salt over our shoulders and knock on wood for fear that things might change.
What each of these reasons has in common is fear of loss and possibility of future pain (physical or emotional). We are so afraid of losing what we have–health, money, a job, good communication, a great day
–that we ignore and overlook all that is well in our worlds, living in a constant state of worry.
Yes, we could easily get mired down in the stock market woes, fires, heat waves, and Iraq, or we could notice the new bud on the tomato plant, appreciate the ability to get up and speak to people we love every day, and answer the
question “How are you?” with “I am good, I am great, I am well!” If we do not grasp so tightly to the feeling of happiness, we can instead appreciate it and set it free. No end. No beginning. Just free flowing and always available.
I invite you to claim your wellness/success/happiness and not live in fear. Fear is just that, a False
Experience Appearing Real.
(Need help? Try the 10 Simple Surefire Ways to Have the Best Day Ever)
You’ve been there for me many a time when I needed to wail about how hard things were. But you’re right. And something is always going well, even if it’s hard to think of it. Really!
I say this co-counseling commitment aloud to myself every morning in the shower. I don’t always keep it perfectly through the day, but the point is, I’m working on it.
“It is logically possible, and certainly desirable, to end the ancient habit of paying attention to past distress, and replace it with a new attitude or posture of paying attention to interesting and rewarding concerns, such as the present situation. I now decide to do so, and will repeatedly so decide, until the ancient habit is broken.”
Notice how the phrasing implies that the present situation, no matter what it is, is an interesting and rewarding concern. A fascinating challenge!
While I say this commitment, I let feelings bubble up and release. Sometimes I might even need to have a little cry. Afterward, I feel fresher, more alert, and more positive.
Here’s an idea: We could encourage everyone by asking each other “What is going well for you?” as well as “What’s feeling hard for you right now?”
Comment by Jessi — July 14, 2008 @ 1:45 pm